Apocalypse Please?
October 7, 2008
Lately I’ve been in an apocalyptic state of mind. It feels like everything is crashing down, as if the foundations of the world are crumbling, and the house of credit cards is collapsing like the Twin Towers did on September 11th. I’m struggling to find a whole lot of positivity in my life — not my accomplishments, but of the utter incompetence of those around me. I’m sick and tired of being the best with everyone riding on my shoulders just because I’m the most capable and the brightest light in the room. As much as I hate to make Atlas Shrugged references, it seems like that’s the type of world I’m living in — the small and the weak riding on the coattails of those who are the ones with any semblance of intellect. Again, I’m absolutely sick of it.
Though I value my life immensely, it’s always been a twisted fantasy of mine to actually see the apocalypse — a massive end to the world. Perhaps that’s because of my desire to escape to “another” world, an impossible one where there aren’t others to weigh me down. Yet, part of this fear that I’m getting is that we are headed toward an apocalyptic meltdown, what with our failed wars and economy. I fear that I won’t be able to live my life to the potential that I see in it, and I can’t even take solace in the hope for an afterlife because there isn’t one for me; this life is all that all of us have. I fear that the responsibility of others will rob me of a chance to run a productive, successful life, and I despise them for it.
It doesn’t help that I feel that my well’s running dry, not in my actual writing on my blog, but in my schoolwork. I just can’t think of any ideas, or, at least, of any good ones. Perhaps it’s my sleep deprived state, or maybe it’s just the stress of incompetence everywhere that’s really getting to me and knocking me off my game. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it.
This is more frustration than anything else, frustration with other people, which is good, in my opinion, since my worst habit is blaming myself for the mistakes of others. It takes an awful lot to knock me off my horse, since I have so much confidence in my abilities, but I’m starting to lose any and all hope for the world I live in, which shouldn’t really matter, except for the fact that the ineptitude of others will affect me and I’ll have to carry their burden until the day I die.
Just a brain dump.
I was going to comment on this last night and then changed my mind. I remember you mentioning that your fiction writing was going to be here.
So now I don’t know whether this ties into your story or this is real. I’ll hold off on commenting until I know which one it is.
In any event, take care.
It’s real. On T59SM I mentioned that more personal things will go here as well, since writing is closer to my personality than anything else.
I’m just really sorry you feel that way, Leap. Maybe instead of looking at other people’s inadequacies you could be thankful that you are gifted. Otherwise you might be among them, and wouldn’t be able to stand out as being a bright light.
It is hard to shoulder responsibilities and expectations of others. But only you can hold yourself back. Maybe you could end up inspiring others?
Not everyone is cut from the same cloth. I am thankful for that. What a boring life that would be.
Anyway, I hope this feeling passes. Things might hit rock bottom, but it will bounce back.
Take care…get some sleep!
Hey, hope you’re feeling better, man! It’s weird to say, but there IS a fascination with Apocalyptic times and events. When I watched the towers come down on TV, I was about 60% horrified; 25% very sad—and the rest, rather fascinated. It’s not polite or politically correct to say so, but I believe this, too, is part of the human condition. We seek drama, and it can be very interesting to watch events play our in our sphere.
be gentle with yourself, and continue to value your considerable gifts, and don’t worry about what others do or say, as they have their own paths or dramas to play out.
You didn’t ask for advice, so feel free to ignore mine:
Please do keep writing; your output is worthwhile!
I haven’t seen you guys around the 59 Second Minute and I assure you I’m not dead — I’ve been posting there more regularly since it’s almost impossible for me to engage in any creative writing nowadays. Sad, but true.
Thanks for your kind words, and, hopefully I can make time to continue writing again. I feel it… I think it’ll be soon: a new book I’ve picked up has inspired me, which, oddly, has many of the same themes as Project Atlas.